So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
