We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
