How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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