What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
