WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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