Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
