alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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