really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
