I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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