Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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