I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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