we have pet lesbian snakes
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
