I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Randomize
