I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
