the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize