remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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