My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize
