I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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