I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
