Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My butt remains clenched, sir.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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