I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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