sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
