Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
