i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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