The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
