I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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