um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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