i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
