Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
