I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Girls should come with a carfax report
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
