new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
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