If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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