I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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