Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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