At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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