I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize