I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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