Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
