I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
