Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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