Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Randomize
