Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
