wrigley field is MILF paradise
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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