You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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