When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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