You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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