When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Randomize
