it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
