At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Randomize
