Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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