I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize