maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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