remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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