His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize