Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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