I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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