Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
